Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
