i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
