First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize