Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize