YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
