I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
