I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
