I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
