Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
