your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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