I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
