I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Can you bring me the toilet please
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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