He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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