it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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