My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
