i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
