did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
