First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
