And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
