Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
