I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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