Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i barfeds in our rink
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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