he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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