first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
