If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We were destined to go to rehab together
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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