Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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