Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
