omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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