I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize