You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
