How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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