Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize