i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
