You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sorry my hands just texted you
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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