He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
false alarm. still invincible.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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