i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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