You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
