Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
