Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
