I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
