Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
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