i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
