fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
