Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He better not be in your backpack
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
