I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
