the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
