Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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