The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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