Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
