I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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