i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
