don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
