Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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