Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
