We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
