I haven't been this sober since birth.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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