remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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