Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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